Scenario: In a coaching or training session. Client takes their ‘turn’. And by turn, I mean unleashing a tirade of insulting words, often directed at the situation, sometimes directed at me. I sit patiently until they finish. Then I respond. My response sounds something like:

“Why should I care about what you just said?”

Pause for effect…

The most common response when I tell this story is for people to emphatically ask why I am almost heartless in my response.  The fact is, I’m not. The fact is, I’m working. Not in a robotic sense, but with purpose. The purpose being to get the client to become self-aware of their own emotional state and to articulate it in session so that we can start addressing it. I’m working with the knowledge that, in that moment, whether they realise it or not, the client has become willing to disclose all the ugliness that they’re experiencing in their life or work. I’m simply capitalising on that momentum.  At no point does my interest or care in the client and their well-being erode. I understand that it’s all part of the process and that I’m there to meet an objective.

So, I often openly say the phrase “I care, but I don’t care” to the client. Sure, I explain it in the moment as well so that they don’t get stuck on the I don’t care part. What I’m talking about here is about caring in the sense of being impacted by the client and their behaviours. It’s to help them understand that they’re in a safe place to disclose the undisclosed, to attempt and fail and to express emotions. Whilst I’ve previously discussed the importance of emotional literacy in the workplace, I also understand that, as a professional who works at the borderline of psychological therapy, I need to be able to address and manage emotions when they are demonstrated. Over time, I’ve developed an awareness about where to draw the line between caring and not caring for clients.

How about you? How do you deal in those moments where your client or team member gets a little extra, shall we say, expressive? Let’s not also discount the fact that you experience emotions in the moment as well. If we’re to ensure we’re being authentic, we need to understand where the line is drawn regarding when to care and when not to care.

So, here are a few ideas that might help:

1. Getting outcomes.

Care about helping the person work towards their achievement. Be interested in their experiences and listen for their perceived challenges. Don’t care about their concerns/paranoia/etc. Assess them instead. Find out more. Really, it’s about identifying what the client wants to achieve and then standing by their side and working with them through those challenges if and when they present themselves. I don’t care that it’s hard but I care to help you through that hardship to get you successful on the other side.

2. Their story.

Care enough to really explore what the person is/has been going through and what has made it difficult for them to the extent that your assistance has been sought. Don’t care to the extent where you allow them to use their story as an excuse for inaction. At the end of the day the work needs to get done and it is your task to help them achieve that – be it as a trainer, a coach, a therapist, their manager, etc.

3. Being interested.

Care to find out the really deep details surrounding the circumstances for that person. Sometimes the issue may be deeper than simply lacking a certain technical or soft skill. Sometimes there could be personal matters in play such as mental health or issues in the home. These definitely need support before focusing on a skill improvement. Don’t care in the sense that you need to ensure a separation between empathy and sympathy. It’s important to understand their feelings, but be wary of absorbing those feelings so that they are reflected in you as well.

4. Relationship development.

Care for the person to the extent that you form a strong working bond (referred to as a working or therapeutic alliance) based on agreement of tasks to be achieved, overall goal of the assistance sought and the bonds of trust and confidence. Research suggests that a strong working alliance is a positive predictor of great outcomes. Basically, if they trust you and agree that you’re working towards the same goal, they will commit to the activity required. In this case, the Don’t care factor is about remaining cognizant of your role in the relationship: you are there to help the person achieve and not there to be their work husband/wife/significant other.

5. Interpreting their word usage.

This one is where my original story came from. Ensure you Care to the extent that you’re listening for how the person is thinking or feeling. Often, the use of curse words is an indicator of such emotions. I mean I’m sure I don’t need to discuss usage of the F-word in times of frustration, know what I mean? Nor would it be necessary to do a full write up about dismissal or disagreement with a situation by calling it complete and utter BS. That said, it’s important that you Don’t care that you happen to be the person in the room to whom the words are being articulated. “Why should I care about what you said?” – “Because I’m angry” – “What is making you angry about this?” Exploring confrontational word usage or the thoughts and feelings surrounding such usage would be a really worthwhile exercise in developing understanding and developing great rapport with the person.

It doesn’t really matter who you work with here. If, as part of your role, you provide support to others, some of these ideas may really help you to not be affected by circumstance, but really affect positive outcomes!

Best of luck!

For additional support in supporting others’ outcomes, contact Inward Outward Coaching.